


Plastic

by aloevera



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 04:46:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13873434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloevera/pseuds/aloevera
Summary: That stupid, cheap piece of plastic had just turned your world upside down.





	Plastic

The silence of your apartment is deafening as you sit, back pressed against the tub and head between your knees, on the bathroom floor and stare down at the piece of plastic pinched between your fingers. You’d never have thought that one piece of cheap material could impact your life so significantly but, as you stare down at the pink lines, you’re proven wrong. 

 

This stupid, cheap piece of plastic has just turned your world upside down.

 

You think, idly, that you shouldn’t blame the test. It’s just doing its job, telling you the truth you so desperately want to run from, but blaming the test is easier than admitting defeat. Easier than admitting that you’re going to have to make a choice you’d never wanted to be faced with.

 

“It’s a false positive,” you whisper to yourself as you fix the plastic with a hard stare, as if arguing with this stupid fucking piece of plastic is going to help, “they happen all the time.”

 

But, in your heart, you know that it’s not a false positive. You’re experiencing symptoms, your period is late, and your sex life is nothing if not active. Pregnancy is more than possible, you know that to be true, but you don’t want it to be.

 

While most fantasized about their future families, you’d never really imagined yourself as a mother.

 

You weren’t terrible with children, you didn’t _hate_ them and they didn’t hate you, you just never wanted one of your own. If you played with children, they belonged to friends and could be returned at the end of the day when it all got to be too overwhelming. And for a long while, that made you feel selfish. 

 

Every reason that entered your brain made you feel awful for not wanting children, no matter how justified you felt your reasoning to be. Nothing ever felt good enough to shake away the feelings of selfishness. You allowed society and the media to shame you into feeling like having a child is something that you’re supposed to want and that there’s something wrong if you don’t.

 

But the older you got, the more that you realized that you were not obligated to have children. It was not your job to have a child. If you felt that you couldn’t give a child the life that it deserved or that you wouldn’t be wholeheartedly in love with the child, then why have one? That, having a child that you felt you couldn’t adequately care for or didn’t actively want, felt like the definition of selfish to you and was the final factor in your decision to remain childfree.

 

While you didn’t shout from the rooftops that you weren’t planning on having children, you made partners serious enough to ask aware of your feelings. For most, that seemed to be a deal breaker. They wanted children, you didn’t budge on your stance of not wanting them. And, while breakups are never fun, you understood their position and you were happy that they chose to end the relationship rather than pressuring you into something that you didn’t want.

 

Bucky, however, seemed to be the anomaly. He, too, had never felt the desire to have children. Even before the serum, back in the 40s when child rearing was expected, it wasn’t something that he wanted. And any desire he might have felt, hidden down deep somewhere, was certainly erased by the horrors he’s gone through since then. He can’t imagine bringing a child into this world knowing that he’s not fully capable of taking care of one.

 

It was a hard conversation to have with one another, you’d both felt guilty for not wanting to bring life into the world for so long, but it was necessary. And knowing that you were both on the same page made you feel significantly better about your relationship. You were certain that neither of you would change your mind and that was that.

 

Even as you sit and stare at the piece of plastic between your fingers, your mind remains unchanged. You do not want this. You cannot do this. You _will not_ do this.

 

You’re not worried that Bucky will have changed his mind, you’re certain that he hasn’t, but you’re worried about how he’ll feel about what happens now. There are more options than in the 40s but the idea is still the same; you won’t have the baby.

 

“Doll?”

 

You glance up from the piece of plastic and sigh at the sight of Bucky in the bathroom doorway. He stares down at you for a moment before he catches sight of the piece of plastic between your fingers. He doesn’t ask, doesn’t speak, as he steps into the room and folds himself into a sitting position across from you.

 

The two of you stare at one another for a long moment before Bucky breaks the silence. “Whatever happens is up to you,” he assures you quietly, “it’s your choice. I’ll support it.”

 

“What if I want to keep it?” you question.

 

“I’ll be scared shitless,” Bucky answers honestly as he runs his fingers through his hair, “and I’ll definitely need time to process but I’ll be here.”

 

“And if I want to terminate?” you question.

 

“I’ll be here, right beside you,” Bucky assures you. “When I say that it’s your choice, I mean it. My mind hasn’t changed but if yours has, I’ll be right there with you.”

 

“It hasn’t,” you sigh, your voice quiet. “I don’t want to do this.”

 

Bucky nods at your admission and turns his gaze to the plastic between your fingers. “What now?” he asks quietly.

 

“I thought about asking Helen if she knew anyone,” you sigh as you finally drop the plastic onto the floor and wrap both arms around your knees, “but I don’t really want anyone at the compound to know. Does that make me a bad person?”

 

“No,” Bucky assures you with a shake of his head, “you’re not a bad person, doll. Is that how you’re feeling right now?”

 

“Sort of,” you sigh as you let your eyes slip closed. “I don’t feel guilty about not wanting children. I don’t actively want a child, it’d be selfish to bring one into the world when I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to give it all my love and attention. But I never thought I’d have to make this decision, you know? I thought we were being so careful.” You’re both quiet for a moment before you hear shifting and feel Bucky’s presence beside you. He doesn’t move to touch you just yet, wanting to give you the opportunity to move away before he wraps an arm around you and pulls you into his side.

 

“I feel like a bad person because I’m pregnant but I’m not keeping the baby. So many women would kill to be in this position, to be able to have a baby on their own, and here I am, taking it for granted. I know that my reasoning is sound and that I have every right to not want a child, I just can’t help feeing awful because I’d rather one of them be  able to have this baby. This wouldn’t even be a decision for them. It’s not fair.”

 

Bucky is silent for a moment before he pulls you in tighter against his chest. “I know it’s not fair, doll,” he sighs into your hair before he presses his chin to the top of your head, “but you’re not a bad person. You’re making the decision that is best for you and that makes you human, doll.” Bucky’s heart breaks slightly when he feels your tears against the material of his sweater and he brings his fingers to run through your hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, his voice just loud enough for you to hear.

 

“It’s not your fault that life isn’t fair, Buck,” you sigh as you shift to press your cheek into the fabric of his sweater, “it just is. And I know, deep down, that this doesn’t make me a bad person. It just feels that way right now. I’m okay, though. At least, I will be.”

 

Bucky nods at your assurance and allows you to shift in his arms enough to glance up at his face. “I’m sorry for freaking out,” you sigh, “I never thought this happen, let alone be this emotional.”

 

Bucky shakes his head at your apology and leans in to press his forehead against yours. “Don’t apologize, doll,” he breathes, “I’m kind of freaking out, too. I’m going to assume that this is normal. It’s a big decision to make. If you weren’t freaking out a little, then I’d be worried that you were in shock.”

 

“I kind of feel like I am,” you sigh, “this feels like a lot. When I find a doctor, will you come with me?”

 

“Of course,” Bucky nods, his eyes on yours, “I’ll be right beside you.”

 

“Thank you, Buck,” you breathe as you relax for the first time in what feels like ages, “I love you.”

 

“I love you, too,” he assures you, “no matter what. I’ll always love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want children and these are kind of my thoughts about not wanting them. I felt really guilty and awful about it for a really long time because isn't that I'm supposed to want? And everyone always talks about getting married and having kids and the only time I find that appealing is in fanfics because it's a cute trope. So. Yeah.


End file.
